The current climate can feel like a minefield of clashing opinions and irreconcilable differences. Politics, education, race, gender, the environment, medical science, and religion all seem to be part of a growing list of hot-button topics it’s best not to bring up. When we do discuss polarizing issues, it’s easy to think with a Their Side vs Our Side mindset, which only leads to more hostility. But Christians are to be known for love, not enmity. That doesn’t always mean we agree with everyone—and love doesn’t mean we never voice our disagreements. But we unfortunately have a bit of a bad reputation to overcome in many circles. We need to model the love of Jesus while disagreeing by doing it with kindness and respect.
The first step to doing that is to think of the other person as a neighbor, not an enemy. According to Jesus, “Love your neighbor as yourself” is the second most important commandment, right after “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (Mark 12:30-31). Once, a man tried to get around this by asking, “And who is my neighbor?” (Luke 10: 29). But Jesus didn’t let him get away with that. He told the parable of the good Samaritan (historical enemies of the Jews), which essentially showed the man that any person who is in need of love is his neighbor (i.e., everyone). So how do we actively show love to a neighbor on the opposite side of an argument? Here are a few ways:
Listen to them. This may seem simple, but listening is a skill. Don’t talk over them, and when waiting for them to finish speaking, don’t be thinking about how to make a cutting comeback. Really pay attention and try to see the issue from their perspective. A good strategy to prevent misunderstanding is to repeat to them what they said (and don’t misrepresent it in a negative way): for example, “It sounds like you’re saying_____. Did I understand that correctly?” Careful listening shows that you respect and value the other person.
Start with something positive. When it’s your turn to respond, focus on the positive as well as the negative. “If you think that, you’re a nincompoop” never convinced anyone of anything, and it’s not the most loving approach. Instead, start by demonstrating that you understand and acknowledge the other person’s view and/or point out places where you agree: “I agree with your premise that _____. Can I tell you how I see it?” “You make a good point. Try looking at it this way…” Not only does this soften your rebuttal, but it keeps the disagreement from turning into a contest between enemies.
Know that you may not convince them to change their mind. No matter how flawless your argument, it will rarely have the immediate effect of winning over your opponent on the spot. If you approach a disagreement as your one opportunity to ‘win,’ then you’re treating the other person not as a neighbor to be loved but as a castle to be sieged and conquered, by battering ram if necessary. However, even if you don’t convince them in the moment, if you are kind and respectful, you may leave them thinking more favorably toward your point of view. At the very least, you’ve demonstrated a loving character to them.
Be kind and calm. The Christian is not to be combative and quarrelsome (2 Timothy 2:24). Romans says, “if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). So, for your part, keep the conversation civil. Even if the other person is being uncivil, treat them the way you would want them to treat you. If you remain kind and calm, they may actually start to model their behavior on yours, deescalating the conflict and keeping it from becoming heated.
The person you’re disagreeing with is someone that God loves and that He wants you to love. By remembering that our neighbors are our neighbors and by focusing on loving ways to disagree, we can be more effective witnesses for Christ.
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